R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I'm just going to say it. Instilling respect in children is like trying to teach a newborn llama to jump through a hula hoop, only the hoop is on fire and the llama is blindfolded.

I think we struggle with teaching our kids about respect, in part, because we have a difficult time respecting our children. We want to be listened to and obeyed - we don't have time or patience to listen to their point of view! Besides, they're only ____ years old and we know so much more. We're definitely right.

Right?

A couple of days ago, I gave my 8-year-old son some incredibly wise advice: the best way to start getting respect is to give respect to others. Now, why don't I follow that incredibly wise advice when it comes to him? Why don't I listen when he tries to present his case? Why don't I negotiate a mutual agreement? Why do I dictate instead of collaborate?

To figure this out, I needed to ask myself another question: what's at the heart of DISrespect?

• Selfishness

• Superiority

• Dismissiveness

Since these are the very traits I want to 'cure' in my 8-year-old, is it really the right choice for me to be demonstrating them? (Spoiler alert: it is not.) What does my "you have to do this thing I want you to do right now instead of finishing what you're doing" attitude showcase besides selfishness? What does my "I'm much older than you and have learned a lot more so I'm absolutely right" behavior prove beyond a superiority complex? And what does my "not right now, I'm doing something more important than listening to you" demeanor demonstrate besides dismissiveness?

What makes me think I can teach my child how to respect me, or others, if I do not respect him? I show respect to every adult I meet! I preach to my kids how none of us is any better than any other person regardless of gender, ethnicity, politics, religion, or any other factor. I show respect to other people's children when they're visiting our home or when I'm visiting theirs - I listen to their ideas, look at their art, set aside my conversation when interrupted... and what is all of this showing my own child?

"Mom respects everyone in the world except me."

Now, if you've read this far, you're probably desperately crying out, "But Stephanie - I CAN'T always stop to listen! I can't just let my kid do whatever he wants whenever he wants! I don't want to argue about bedtime, or teeth brushing, or screen time EVERY single time!"

I hear you, I swear. It's the same with adults, right? We don't always have time or energy to listen to their pity party, and we don't always feel like collaborating or compromising. But what happens in the instances that we can't? We may be deferential (you can go first), we may decide to let them have a win that doesn't really make that big of a difference (sure, we'll eat at your restaurant), we may smile and agree to disagree (I really despise your candidate but I don't want to waste the next six hours arguing); but, along with all that, we're typically polite.

Because it's respectful to be polite.

And so, I need to constantly remind myself of my own incredibly wise advice. I have to give respect to my child if I want respect from him. Even when I'm frustrated, even when I've had a very long day and this is the 34th thing he's tried to 'show me' in the last hour, even when he's ignoring what I'm asking him to do. It may be that I can defer (you can finish your puzzle before jammies), or collaborate (I didn't make this mess but I'll help you clean it up), or smile and agree to disagree (I cannot stand that particular YouTuber because he's annoying but there's no accounting for taste.)

But, no matter what, I can be polite, just like I would with anyone else:

"Hey kiddo - I'm sorry to interrupt your story, but we need to leave the house right now so hold onto that thought until you get your shoes on, please. When we hop in the car, you can tell me more!"

"Sorry, buddy, I know you want more screen time but this is why we have the rules posted on the fridge, so neither of us forgets. If you would be kind enough to follow the rule right now, we can talk tomorrow about other ways to get screen time and you can tell me your thoughts."

I know, now you're screaming at me saying, "That's not going to work!" and you're probably right. But is the end game 'always being right and getting what you want'? Or is the end game raising a child that knows they're loved and respected and is therefore more likely to give love and respect to others because they've seen it modeled?

It's not easy, I know. None of this is easy. But the harder we try, the harder they will.

SJS