Trusting the Process

A lot of people ask what it's like to write. It's a fair question, but a difficult one to answer. That's because it's completely different every time.

There are days when I try to write. Trying to write is torture. Imagine going into the dentist's office for a check-up but instead of the usual fare, anything could happen: they could clean your teeth and give you a $1000; they could pick at your molars with a metal hook; they could find something horrifying and do immediate oral surgery rendering you incapable of eating solid foods for a week. Sitting at my desk trying to write feels kind of like that.

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

There are days when I feel like writing. I plop down at my laptop in my comfy desk chair (the ONE chair that doesn't hurt my tailbone when I sit for a prolonged amount of time) or I scrunch up in the living room recliner with a notebook and pen. I just scribble or tap down what's pouring out of my brain. Might be a poem, an outline, a thought, a blip, a full-blown short story... but it's in there and it needs to come out. When I feel like writing, it's pleasant and calm and enjoyable.

There are days when I have to write. I mean, something is pressing against the edge of my brain and I need to say it. I may or may not share it with anyone (depending on the subject matter), but I can't articulate it any other way than in the written word. Might be a rant, might be a plea, but it's important and it feels cathartic when I'm done. It's a relief.

Then there are days when I just write. It's effortless - an idea pops into my head, fleshes itself out, I organize my thoughts, I put them down on paper, I do some little sketches, I make some notes, and I read my work. I feel a sense of accomplishment and pride as I take it all in, strain it through my editor brain to see what I need to change in the next draft, decide my target audience and what I want to say with this story, and begin to shape and mold and evolve it into something I really like. Those are my favorite days. They are few and far between, but they are my favorite.

Writing, for me, is complicated and it is simple. It's passionate and it's relaxing. It's impulsive and organized, frustrating and therapeutic, gut-wrenching and delightful. Writing is my Achille's heel and my greatest treasure, my Pandora's box and my genie-filled lamp, my demon and my angel.

It's what I cherish.

It's what I despise.

I can use it to bless or to curse, to honor or degrade, to empower or belittle.

What I appreciate most about it, however, is that I always have the choice.

God, help me make the right ones.

-Stephanie